Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
PS: I just woke up from my shower
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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