we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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