Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
