Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
