life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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