He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Man, jail baloney is awful.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
