She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
It's blow job season.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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