Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
