I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
