Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
