They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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