Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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