Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
