For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
