I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
