I CAN MOONWALK!
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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