Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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