Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Randomize
