I can tuck mytits in my pants
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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