I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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