you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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