Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
