I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
