i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
