Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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