My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
