my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
