the condom got lost in my hair
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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