The best revenge is premature balding
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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