i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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