1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
