i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
