I'm so fucking centered right now
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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