He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
