I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
