Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
