i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
