k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
So squirting runs in the family.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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