I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
