I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
