i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
