well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
