I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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