I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
