i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
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