No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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