Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
