My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
