Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
