omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
